porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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