I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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