I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm both gender and math confused
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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