I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
