My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
