I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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