I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
