Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
