They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
