Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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