Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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