my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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