I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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