Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
