So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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