That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
