I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just found a bag of teeth...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
