If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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