is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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