she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize