Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
