I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
