I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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