I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
