I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
