I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
