I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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