My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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