saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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