ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
