Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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