Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
