I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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