i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
