I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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