I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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