this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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