Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
