$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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