I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
