I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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