I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
