thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
