wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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