ADVERTISEMENT

• (409): View more from Texas

  Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  His name should be shouldn't

  Fav 48 1060 2256

  share tweet
  

• (562): View more from California

  Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up

  Fav 18 1442 3904

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (518): View more from New York

  im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.

  Fav 14 4826 1463

  share tweet
  

• (615): View more from Tennessee

  If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

  Fav 9 4856 1546

  share tweet
  

• (269): View more from Michigan

  its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

  Fav 11 5504 1230

  share tweet
  

• (906): View more from Michigan

  Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?

  Fav 6 2796 1033

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

  Fav 16 4343 1196

  share tweet
  

• (912): View more from Georgia

  her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception

  Fav 5 881 993

  share tweet
  

• (613): View more from Ontario

  Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.

  Fav 4 2219 702

  share tweet
  

• (863): View more from Florida

  I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.

  Fav 2 1104 528

  share tweet
  

• (317): View more from Indiana

  If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.

  Fav 8 1171 794

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (702): View more from Nevada

  I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.

  Fav 2 517 726

  share tweet
  

• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.

  Fav 4 529 473

  share tweet
  

• (619): View more from California

  i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.

  Fav 0 402 200

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (727): View more from Florida

  They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos

  Fav 2 317 171

  share tweet
  

Randomize