The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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