i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
