NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
