Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
if only i could text you this smell
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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