That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize