He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
