Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
