I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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