do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
