....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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