I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
