my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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